Dear Shadow of my self,

I do not always think this way. I do not always think of myself as a mere shadow of what I once was. But it occurs. It occurs in moments in which I long for more, more than my life seems to be giving me.

It might be the fading pulse of my youth, in which my naivety and my curiousness were carried by hope and dreams, and freedom to live in the moment.

It is hard to realize that some things can never be had again, and that I must let go. But what is the replacement? What do I do now? How do I live my life with full power and satisfaction?

It is true, I guess, that I am afraid I am wasting my life. Not throwing it away, but not living up to its potential. I should live and enjoy with every pore of my being, and I try to do that to some extent, but I feel disempowered to make free choices as I am bound to my daily life with all its responsibilities. It is my self-constructed existence at this very time and place of my life. I chose this somehow, but I see how it can be my wings and my cage at the same time.

If I want to change what bothers me, where do I go? How far would I take these steps and whereto? That is a big part of the difficulty. Whenever I try to image alternatives, there is not much that seems realistic and feasible. Of course I would like to stop working for a living and instead be working for enjoyment and pleasure. I surely also want to be let off the hook by the piles of everyday's responsibilities, but that would consequently turn me into a nonconformist, an escapee or a society drop-out. Which would have dire consequences, and I would not really enjoy that either, to be honest. Boldly if imprecisely put, I count as somebody too uptight to be an anarchist or hippie, but too free-spirited and offbeat to be stuck in a corporative path of life.

And yet I go on every day, maybe because I still think I have time, which I do. This, however, means that I am not actively changing anything, somehow hoping it will somehow change by itself for the unimaginable better.

Dear Indifference and Serenity,

I need you to come hand in hand. Why is it that you are slipping away from me in moments in which I could use you most? It is amazing how the lack of your sweet embrace pushes down my head and my shoulders, leaving me in a posture and with the feeling of resentment and resignation, a weight only an angry person can bear.

And it does make me angry, all this nonsense. What is wrong with me? I have a hard time accepting and tolerating things that matter only momentarily, and thus I would be wise to let them go, but somehow I often fail.

Consequently, the quest ahead of me is learning to know you in a different and better way, Indifference and Serenity. You must stay with me, and I must invite you in, all the time. If you want to leave me, I will beg you to stay. I do not like myself as much when I have lost you. Then I am not the person I feel that I should be.

I need suggestions. How do I learn to retreat into a world of grace and serenity? A world that feels as if I and everybody else were walking constantly on sundown-colored clouds.

I have already tried waking up in the morning deciding that I was in a good mood. I tried willing myself into a good mood. I often even succeed for a little while as my temper indeed can be bright and shiny. But even if I rode to that place and those people that I constantly question on a unicorn with a golden mane, there would still be those people and so many undeniable, irritating facts that I would once more be left without you, Indifference and Serenity.

Dear Reality,

it is strange that you are. I do not think you are very defined in the sense that what you are is really clear. In a way the whole idea of being and living a life is too much to grasp and define. And honestly, I do not try. I am too amazed by the mere thought of life and being a conscious being to try making sense of it all.

Reality, you cannot be altered. At least not that I know of. I can certainly change you in my mind, in my dreams and in my imagination but I cannot actively change you for others as well, at least not with regard to the presence and not the future.

I can spend hours contemplating, imagining. Sometimes I forget about you, reality, because I am daydreaming so wholemindedly that it feels like waking when I snap back into your realm. For seconds I must adjust because everything else but you feels real.