Dear Shadow of my self,

I do not always think this way. I do not always think of myself as a mere shadow of what I once was. But it occurs. It occurs in moments in which I long for more, more than my life seems to be giving me.

It might be the fading pulse of my youth, in which my naivety and my curiousness were carried by hope and dreams, and freedom to live in the moment.

It is hard to realize that some things can never be had again, and that I must let go. But what is the replacement? What do I do now? How do I live my life with full power and satisfaction?

It is true, I guess, that I am afraid I am wasting my life. Not throwing it away, but not living up to its potential. I should live and enjoy with every pore of my being, and I try to do that to some extent, but I feel disempowered to make free choices as I am bound to my daily life with all its responsibilities. It is my self-constructed existence at this very time and place of my life. I chose this somehow, but I see how it can be my wings and my cage at the same time.

If I want to change what bothers me, where do I go? How far would I take these steps and whereto? That is a big part of the difficulty. Whenever I try to image alternatives, there is not much that seems realistic and feasible. Of course I would like to stop working for a living and instead be working for enjoyment and pleasure. I surely also want to be let off the hook by the piles of everyday's responsibilities, but that would consequently turn me into a nonconformist, an escapee or a society drop-out. Which would have dire consequences, and I would not really enjoy that either, to be honest. Boldly if imprecisely put, I count as somebody too uptight to be an anarchist or hippie, but too free-spirited and offbeat to be stuck in a corporative path of life.

And yet I go on every day, maybe because I still think I have time, which I do. This, however, means that I am not actively changing anything, somehow hoping it will somehow change by itself for the unimaginable better.

Dear Workflow,

you are not working! And why? It is really frustrating. If everybody just did their job, and just a tiny little bit more than that, I would not have to do half of everybody else's job and could do mine, and just a bit more than that!

I want to stand up and shout into people's faces. Not because I want them to feel bad or ashamed or any emotion what so ever, I only want them to do what they are supposed to do. Why is everybody a bottleneck these days? This cannot be it! So, I am not afraid to say, dear workflow, you are dysfunctional!

I hate coming home from work all frustrated. Sometimes I am so close to deciding I want to quit and find something that will bring out some passion. Then again it is not the worst place to work either, and if everybody just stuck you, you terrible, terrible workflow, I would not have to be frustrated all the time and think about quitting.

And instead of shouting into other people's faces I usually end up clinching my fists and frowning, and soon I will look old, angry and deeply frustrated because of this, and I will have to wither away in my misery, poring hot water onto playing kids.

What kind of perspective is that?!

Dear Afternoon,

where art though gone? How did it get this late? I am convinced I did not wake that many hours ago. A quick look upon my clock confirms it is past 5 pm.

Today is a gray day. Not in my mind, but outside my window. This is because I cannot see through my window since a fluffy layer of snow is blocking all view and most of the light. I think it was six days ago when I had the window open for an hour, roughly at the same time of day, and the sun had shone upon my face and I could feel its warmth. Now there is snow. Spring is playing its annual game, teasing us with mildness and tickling sun-rays, and mocking us with wet snowflakes and gray skies.

I feel lazy. It is such a luxury to feel lazy and be able to act on it. Lazy, lazy, all day lazy, which is only possible on a Saturday afternoon, day one of two great days called weekend. It makes me smile to not do anything and be deliberately lazy, knowing and keeping myself aware of the fact that I am allowed to be lazy today.